Eroticize Everyday

How to increase libido and your lust for life    Who doesn’t want a sexier, juicier life? And sex life? While there are many rather clinical discussions of how to increase libido in women, they are often missing the pleasure principles.Many of us long to bring more eroticism and pleasure  into our lives. Yet the forces of ageism, shifting selves, hormonal shifts and daily life can make what should arguably be the  “best sex of our lives” era feel so hard to squeeze in.Famous therapist Esther Perel captures the friction (no pun intended) that seems especially true in midlife: “ We measure and judge ourselves, at times experiencing our body as a prison rather than a chateau full of rooms to lingeringly explore. And if we struggle with being inside our bodies, why would we take the time to explore them? Or for that matter, how could we ever feel safe to invite anyone else in? I'm not talking just about penetration. I'm talking about entering our personhood, our dreams, who we are, our heart and soul. Many of us are so self-critical that we forget these internal wonders." - Esther Perel It’s said sex can and should start long before anyone enters the bedroom and definitely before a toy, finger or penis enters anything. While it sounds a bit sad-trombone, we’ve learned that desire is often a choice especially in this life phase of busy lives and often longer term relationships (or being unpartnered). Midlife women report they often make a conscious, consensual choice to engage erotically and then, actual desire and pleasure do follow. Here are some ways to help low sex drive in women and in relationships, including the relationship with yourself Add more sensuality to your life Warm water on skin, sand underneath feet, running your hand through your hair, rolling down the windows to feel the breeze. Tuning into the sun on your skin. Mindfulness for better sex is a thing but you don’t have to become a Sting-level tantric master. Just pay more attention to the sensuality of everyday life. Check in and become more appreciative of touch in everyday moments—and touch your partner in the “non-sexual” ways that sex researchers say also build the goodwill, pleasure hormones and connection that lead to real arousal.  Flirt Many of us were lucky enough to come of sexual age in the analog era. Numbers on matchbooks, eyes across the crowded room, etc. The anticipation was foreplay. Right swipes lack the same smolder. Even if it’s via text, start flirting again. With your long-term partner or your new match. If you’re rusty, it may feel performative code switching from car pool to seducer. That’s ok. Go with it. Make out Think back to some of the hottest makeout sessions of yore. Grab your partner and make out like a first date, like high school. Without expectation of  Sexy yourself  Self-help guru Mel Robbins suggests high-fiving yourself in the mirror every morning. OK, but how about bedroom eyes-ing yourself instead. Start a sexy week where you unbury that lingerie, buy a new perfume or body oil, walk with swag. Think long baths instead of quick showers.. It doesn’t have to be male-gaze Victoria’s Secret sexy, but it can be.  No one has to know. But you will. And the confidence and sparkle will light you up again. Set that “getting ready” moodWhile you’re at it, can you add some sensuality to your home or at least bedroom? Candles. New sheets. A playlist of your old “getting ready” songs or something new and sexy. Some hot viewing on TV (I’ll take Don Draper sex scenes, please). Equally valid and possible if you live alone or with kids at home, BTW.  Try audio erotica  Dipsea, Quinn, Emjoy all have audio erotica and even audio tutorials to get you thinking. Romance novels are also having a resurgence—some say they never went away—and can be downloaded on sites like Audible. Sleep nakedThe sweats are comfy, but this can connect you to the sensuality of your own body and skin. And if you want, splurge on a silky robe if the house starts on fire. Also great for role playing Emily in Paris’ boss.  Try sneaky sex  Many long-term couples get a rut of waiting until the end of the night to have sex, or resist the “schedule sex” advice. How about a quickie in the bathroom while the kids play video games? In the car after date night? Behind a tree on the hiking trail? Be discreet of course, and mindful of the non-consent of possible passerby but the naughty factor can bring back the vibes.  Be a sexy citizen of your world Again, go analog! When we live  plugged into devices wherever we go, we shut off the pleasure of being alive in the world. Indulge in a quick fantasy in the coffee line. Discreetly check out hot parents at the soccer game. Smile at the cute mailperson. And be sensual in the everyday. The touch of the grass under foot, the smoothness and heat of sand at the beach, the warmth of hot, soapy water.  Get out of your head  Wile Libido Tincture was specifically designed around women’s arousal and the shifting tides and lives of women over 40. It gets you out of your head - helping center and calm thoughts that get in the way of being fully present for pleasure.It gets you into your body - a series of natural aphrodisiacs from Traditional Medicine, Ayurveda and Latin America (maca, anyone?) boost pleasure, sensation and response, as well as helping provide hormonal support. Just take it 15 minutes before intimacy, relax and maybe grab a tip from above to see how good you can feel. Again and again. Sensuality is free. Indulge. And center your own pleasure in the everyday.The nights and your libido may soon follow.  Photo credit: Alexander Krivitsky, Unsplash